April 25, 2015

So…

How do we do this again…?

Right…

I just type in the words…

Let if flow…

And, I’m out of words.

But seriously, having been tied up with daddy duties has left me with little to no time for myself, and for my hobbies for that matter. Now I know how my parents felt like.

I came back to this journal/blog because I have been feeling shitty (excuse my French). Work-life can be better, and my insecurities are getting worse. My self-confidence has been down ever since the start of the year, and it has not improved. The biggest mistake of mine was looking at some of my acquaintances’ Facebook profiles, and feeling even worse. I do not have anyone on my News Feed aside from my wife and immediate family, I just don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why I clicked their profiles.

Now, I feel worse than ever.

Life Strikes Again

   The holidays-weekend combination has somewhat tickled my interest in everything again. I wanted to go back to trying to write, trying to draw, and hitting the weights. Everything was planned in advance. Since almost all businesses, including the gym, will be closed during the Holy Week, I will wait it out and start Easter Sunday.

  Easter morning comes, and I wake up early. With no alarms, even. I log on to the internet, and look for a program that is feasible, and not something that will kill me. I found the German Volume Training and liked it because it looked something I will be able to do even after my usual 11+ hours in the office without trying to wake up the night after feeling like sh*t. I jotted down everything I needed, prepared my gym stuff, ate a hearty breakfast and prepared for a good work out. I hummed Roy Jones Jr.’s song in my head (Can’t be Touched).

  A few minutes after, I find out that the gym was still closed. 

  What a way to start my “cycle“.   

  Come to think of it, at least I was able to use it for this post. Damn it, life! Stop being an ass!

Husband Problems

  The nearer we get to my fiancee’s due date, our first baby,the more excited anxious I get. To all the pro-dads out there, is this normal? Or am I thinking and worrying too much?

   On another note, I am looking at her right now, she is sleeping. I just picked her up from work, and she was too tired so she slept immediately. I tried waking her up, as I was instructed, after a few minutes so she can continue her pre-sleep ritual, but she wouldn’t budge. I let her continue sleeping, and went to the “deep thought” zone. 

  I always had a plan for the future. I wanted to get my target managerial post. I wanted to save enough money and then I was planning to propose to her. I wanted it to be a nice surprise, because she has been watching a lot of proposal videos and I wanted to give her something to remember too. I wanted to do it in front of our friends, in a nice, quiet place. I wanted to buy an engagement ring that she would appreciate, and I wanted to have a garden wedding, or even a beach wedding. I wanted to be able to buy our own home in a quiet, gated community, and I wanted to raise our kids there. I wanted to raise them like my parents raised me, and support them in any endeavor. I wanted to be able to keep ourselves fit, and healthy. All this and more, with her. 

  Unfortunately for us, life is a dick, as it always have been. 

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  She got pregnant earlier than planned, and although my fiancee is about to get her first promotion, I still would have preferred her to be a housewife, like she imagined herself becoming. Alas, with the way things are going, we both will need to work until our son graduates. I am not sure of my own development in the company, because of the way the economy is going. I have been advised to wait for my target position, since this year is not a realistic year to try and apply. 

  I honestly feel guilty that I am not able to fulfill her wish. Most of the time, I feel guilty that we’re even together. She could have ended up with a much more handsome man, taller and richer, and everything Disney Princes are. I am the complete opposite, and she ended up with me. 

 Looking at her now, she looks so tired. I wish I was rich, so she no longer needs to work with slave drivers; so she never has to leave the house and work during nights and spend more than 10 hours per day in the office. I am so mad at myself. She could have ended up with a much better man. 

  Our son is almost here. The stork is scheduled to land on late April or early May. I want to apologize to him now, because I will not be able to provide him with the things that he wants, but I will try and provide him everything that he needs. I want to apologize because he will have to see other rich kids, and start wondering why we can’t be like them.

  I wish that life turns out better in the future for us. like any parents would.

  Damn, I’m calling myself a parent now.