The nearer we get to my fiancee’s due date, our first baby,the more
excited anxious I get. To all the pro-dads out there, is this normal? Or am I thinking and worrying too much?
On another note, I am looking at her right now, she is sleeping. I just picked her up from work, and she was too tired so she slept immediately. I tried waking her up, as I was instructed, after a few minutes so she can continue her pre-sleep ritual, but she wouldn’t budge. I let her continue sleeping, and went to the “deep thought” zone.
I always had a plan for the future. I wanted to get my target managerial post. I wanted to save enough money and then I was planning to propose to her. I wanted it to be a nice surprise, because she has been watching a lot of proposal videos and I wanted to give her something to remember too. I wanted to do it in front of our friends, in a nice, quiet place. I wanted to buy an engagement ring that she would appreciate, and I wanted to have a garden wedding, or even a beach wedding. I wanted to be able to buy our own home in a quiet, gated community, and I wanted to raise our kids there. I wanted to raise them like my parents raised me, and support them in any endeavor. I wanted to be able to keep ourselves fit, and healthy. All this and more, with her.
Unfortunately for us, life is a dick, as it always have been.
She got pregnant earlier than planned, and although my fiancee is about to get her first promotion, I still would have preferred her to be a housewife, like she imagined herself becoming. Alas, with the way things are going, we both will need to work until our son graduates. I am not sure of my own development in the company, because of the way the economy is going. I have been advised to wait for my target position, since this year is not a realistic year to try and apply.
I honestly feel guilty that I am not able to fulfill her wish. Most of the time, I feel guilty that we’re even together. She could have ended up with a much more handsome man, taller and richer, and everything Disney Princes are. I am the complete opposite, and she ended up with me.
Looking at her now, she looks so tired. I wish I was rich, so she no longer needs to work with slave drivers; so she never has to leave the house and work during nights and spend more than 10 hours per day in the office. I am so mad at myself. She could have ended up with a much better man.
Our son is almost here. The stork is scheduled to land on late April or early May. I want to apologize to him now, because I will not be able to provide him with the things that he wants, but I will try and provide him everything that he needs. I want to apologize because he will have to see other rich kids, and start wondering why we can’t be like them.
I wish that life turns out better in the future for us. like any parents would.
Damn, I’m calling myself a parent now.